


Kan Ni

by WishStone



Series: In a name... [1]
Category: Persona 4
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Minor Character Death, frienship, kannao - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 00:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5227817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishStone/pseuds/WishStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes dreams tell us a truth that we have been trying to ignore most of our life. And if you are lucky, you will have a friend by your side to help you explore what the nightmare forces on you.</p><p>Regular Naoto Spoilers (aka: Do not read if you have not played P4 past September.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_The weather isn’t playin‘ along at all. Should be… kinda dreary. Cold. Should possibly even rain. Yeah, that would feel right. Big, fat, cold drops of rain._

 Instead the air was mild, for early May at least. And while the sun wasn’t shining, he had not needed his umbrella. He still felt overdressed, however. Especially standing pretty much next to his house, at the entrance of the shrine, wearing the suit he had once made himself as an exercise, really, not as something to put on and walk around in.

 Running a finger in and around the well-fitting collar, he once more doubted his impulse this morning after the nightmare. But his mind had been made up when his text, written with shaky, weak-feeling hands at two in the morning, was replied to with a brief  **SHRINE NOON Y/N**.

 This had not been Naoto’s idea. It was his. He had suggested it and she had agreed, in her brief and sometimes damned hurtful manner. Still. A  **WILL B THERE**  was better than, well, nothing?

 “Kanji-kun?”

 He jumped and whirled around to look at Naoto looking up at him. Her face looked… what? Surprisd? Shocked? She didn’t simply look at him like other days, anyhow.

 “H-hey Naoto. Yer look nice.”

 Shock turned into puzzlement. She looked down herself, then briefly smiled at her teal coat. Kanji had made it for her a few months ago, when she complained that she had lost her beloved single-breasted blue coat with white trimming. Well, to be fair, she had not lost it. Airline had lost the suitcase. It turned up, after about a month and possibly being half around the globe and back. Still enough time for him to design, make and work up the nerves to actually gift it to her.

 “Thank you. And thank you again for making it, Kanji-kun.”  She ran the slim fingers of her hand over the sleeves of the open coat. The smallest smile played on her lips, the kind she wore when she felt safe and unwatched and did not need to be Detective Shirogane.

  _I’d do so much more for this smile than just put together a simple jacket, Naoto._

 “Ah. ‘s cool, yer needed one an’ no friend of mine will run around in any o’ that Junes crap.”

 Her gaze turned up again, meeting his eyes calmly. “You are looking rather formal yourself. I am almost questioning my own choice for attire. Had I understood your intent of this being a formal occasion…”

He words trailed off as he started to shake his head before she had even gotten half-way through her second sentence.

“Na. I felt I needed ter show my better side today.” He ran his hands through his ungelled hair, sighing a little as he felt it settle back over his brow with a light sweep. “Uh… could we… Uhm.” He tilted his head towards the shrine.

She nodded and turned, walking to the left side of the path, climbing the stairs ahead of him.

_I can’t tell her I’ve not slept since I work up after my first text. Can’t tell her what I dreamed. Can’t tell her why we’re at the shrine. But that’s why I called her ‘ere, right?_

They walked to the  _temizuya_ , fetching water and running it over their hands in silence.

When he turned to walk right up to the building, he felt her light hand on his arm. No weights and chains could have held him more securely than that hand and the face which he knew was turned up to look at him. Kanji swallowed hard.

“Let’s stop by the trees first. I believe you require to reveal something and divulge a bit. Your urgent messages made that much quite clear to me.”

The lump in his throat grew. Breathing started to hurt again, as it had frequently since two this morning. He did not dare to speak. He did not dare to look at her. He simply nodded, turning towards the trees, walking past her without a glance at her.

Her hand slipped off his arm and he heard her fall in behind him, walking through the path of the trees. 

 

* * *

 

 Naoto watched him take the lead, noticing his avoidance of her touch and his lack of verbal reply. She decided that for now, following him was going to be sufficient.

 Whatever his cognizance, he had articulated little of what caused his current disposition. If she had not been on call for a case Dojima was working on, she had possibly not reacted to her phone’s text message in the small hours of the night.

 She had, in truth, not reacted at first, as his text messages had their own signal. After the ski trip earlier in the year, she had assigned to both his calls and texts a rhythmic vibration, no sounds. Generally this allowed her to be able to receive and react to his messages or calls without disturbing anyone else.

 They had certainly grown closer. She felt a deep comfort knowing he had her back – physically and proverbially. Out of all her friends here in Inaba, he cared the most and simply sending a few text messages with him could feel as refreshing as resting up with a book for a full day. She had grown to depend on him for her own well-being in a manner she had not ever expected to with anyone but her Grampa.

 At just past two-ten in the morning, her phone finally vibrated itself off her bedside table, having received a string of eight messages in short order. The clatter of it hitting the floor woke her at once. And regardless of the hour she felt the immediate urge to render comfort and support to the young man who had grown to be a pillar in her own life.

 The first three messages were incoherent, written without his usual care and showed a high state of agitation and confusion. Messages four, five and six were more comprehensible, explaining him having awoken from a distressing dream, but his explanations were broken, disconnected and hard to follow. Quite possibly in the way of dreams the chimera had not given a clear scenario and instead painted a vague setting of discomfort for him.

 When messages seven and eight (and, while she was reading, number nine) had all been apologies for sending so many messages and possibly having woken her, her mind was already made up. It was Children’s Day, she did not need to be anywhere and Kanji would not have contacted her this early in the morning unless his level of distress was great.

 Before he was able to send another apology, she replied. It sounded like he needed a shoulder and she would be more than happy to provide that service to him.  **SHRINE NOON Y/N**

 She had also not expected to see him the way she did when she arrived at the shrine.

 Kanji Tatsumi looked rather fetching in a suit. Unlike her, he was not sporting a tie, but the dark purple pants and blazer both framing a light blue shirt, were tailored to him, undoubtedly. She had never seen him wear anything like it before, and even without a tie and the top button undone and open, this was quite possibly one of the most attractive looks he had ever presented to her thus far.

 It did not stop with his attire, either. He had not gelled his hair. It was not disorderly or unkempt as such, as simply combed to a more conservative style. It fell forward slightly, though years of forcing it back with gel meant that his hair had a swoop to it that still parted near his temple, showing his scar.

 She pursed her lips.  _He has never spoken about this mark. Maybe at some point I should ask him to share more about his past. I would like to know more, understand him better…_

 She blinked. They had stood quietly under the canopy of the small grove at the shrine for some time. How long her thoughts had wandered she did not know, but it must have been long enough to make him feel uneasy.

 “Kanji-kun?”

 He frowned deeply, and his hands clenched and unclenched over… and over… and over again.

 This whole meeting was for his benefit. She knew he enjoyed physical contact, much more so than she generally did. And as this was for his benefit, she reached out, placing her hands on his fists.

 Her eyes widened. He was shaking. Looking up from his hands to him, she swallowed hard at the tightness that gripped her throat. Not just his hands shook. He trembled all over. His eyes were glistening, as if he had been fighting tears for too long and was starting to lose that battle.

 She let her hands run up his arms to his elbow as she stepped closer. “Kanji-kun?”

 He trembled and gently held her by her upper arms.

 “Naoto.” The shiver in his voice made her chest ache in an unfamiliar and distressing way. “Have you ever thought about how my name is written?”

 The surprise of this question wiped the concern from her face. A puzzle was laid before her, and one that seemed to only have two pieces to it. “Your name? What do you mean? It’s Kanji, correct?”

 “I mean-“ A choked sob. “I mean, like, how’s spelled?”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Kanji forced himself to hold her gaze. She looked hurt. _Why does she look hurt? Am I holding her too strong? Shit, I didn’t want to squeeze like that!_

 As if stung, his hands snapped away. He turned before she could try to hold him again and grunted in frustration as he pressed his hands against both eyes. It didn’t stop the shakes and didn’t do a damn thing to stop the tears.

 He’d tried so fucking hard to hold back. But it’s been half a day now, and without sleep. He was tired. He was exhausted. And he was so, so hurt.

 And then there was the reminder he wasn’t alone. A small hand gently pressed against his back, a second one came up to hold him gently by the elbow and turned him, leading him to walk. Stiffly, his hands not moving from his hands, he obeyed that gentle push. Even with his eyes covered he knew they were walking further away from the path.

 Both hands vanished after he was made to stop.

 He stood in silence, each breath piercing his chest painfully as he fought the sobs with everything he got. Rokuten Maoh rumbled somewhere within him, displeased. _You can shut the hell up right now, too!_

 He finally let his hands sink and opened his eyes.

 Naoto stood in front of him, slightly off to one side. She didn’t look at him. She was looking past him, keeping an eye on the shrine grounds. He tilted his head and started to turn as well, but a hand came forward, stopping him.

 Turning her head slightly, looking up and down the patch slowly, she said softly, “I assumed you would prefer more privacy. I am simply attempting to ensure you can have it.”

 “Thanks. F-fer lookin out for me.”

 The smile came before she lifted her gaze. “’Got yer back’, wasn’t that what you said and we agreed on?”

 He coughed a small laugh. “Yeah. Still.”

 “It is quite alright. Are you feeling any better? I still am not sure I comprehend the nature of your distress, so I am not certain how I could assist you, Kanji-kun.”

 Following was the usual moment he needed to translate her reply. ‘What’s up, how can I help?’ is what he came up with.

 “I-I had a pretty bad nightmare, Naoto. Like… you know them. Like, dreaming ‘bout my old man and then him suddenly bein’ gone-“ He stopped when the pain in her eyes became too much to bear and looked away. “Shit, sorry, shoulda not asked yer to…”

 “No… No, it is fine. Please. I think I may be the one person you would indeed wish to confer on that particular matter, Kanji-kun.” Her hands twitched forward, then were clasped in front of her.  Knowing Naoto as well as he did, that was nearly as much of a hug as he knew he was going to get. _I’ll take it._

 “But ’t was different this time, you know? When I dream of dad, I am all happy, like I was before… an’ this time it was different.”

 He could not look at her. He also knew his voice was nowhere near as steady as hers when she said, “What was different this time?”

 “It felt like I was watching him an’ ma. I wasn’t really there. Dunno how I could see if I wasn’t there…”

 “Dreams can be like that.”

 “Yeah. Ma was holdin’ her tummy an’ I knew – Hey, that’s me in there!”

 Naoto shifted and he looked up sharply. “Don’-!”

 “I am not laughing at you.”

 She wasn’t, at that. She was smiling, but it was her warm, unguarded smile. The same that he had been lucky enough to see three times already today.

 “Sorry.” He swallowed. “So, yeah, ma an’ my old man were discussing how ter name me. They were snuggled up and happy and they tossed around names, writing out different _kanji_ , too.” He gazed to the ground again. “Finally she looked up at him and said ‘I know just the thing.’ And then she started to draw-“ He choked up.

 He laid his head back, looking up at the light, fluffy clouds. _Should be damned well raining. Should be peltin’ down hard enough fer us to not even see one another._

 He blinked at the tears in his eyes when he felt something being pushed in his hand. Lowering his head, he saw Naoto looking up at him, gently pushing a long stick in his hand.

 As he held the stick lightly, she pulled him forward a bit and guided his hand at the beginning swipe of the first _kanji_. Without her guiding him, he shivered as he drew the 完-Kan.

 He frowned at it for a moment, and clenched his eyes shut when his hands started to shake so hard he simply could not go on. He also could not stop the choking sound claw up his throat - though he still fought it from being a full-on sob.

  _Damnit. Naoto must be soooo impressed with me right now._

 He felt her move closer again. She took his hand, stick and all, and moved it, dragging the stick along the ground. It was not a complex _kanji_. He felt as the lines grew and filled out to create 二-Ni.

 She had not released his hand and didn’t go away. Opening his eyes; he looked at her hand holding his. The blur of tears made it hard to see a thing though.

 When she spoke, it was in her familiar low, practiced voice. “So far, I still cannot follow the emotional distress you are obviously experiencing, Kanji-kun. I cannot tell you how to perceive the situation of course, but this sounds like a good dream. One’s parents selecting a name would be a warm and loving affair, no?”

 He couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with the ball of feelings pulsing in his gut. Could not deal with her being so close, _holding his damned hand_. Could not deal with the weather not being right for all of this. He stabbed the stick helplessly again the second _kanji_ , and finally the floodgates broke.

 He legs slowly gave way under him and he let himself sink, hunkering down. Naoto sank with him, her hand never leaving his, even when he dropped the stick. Oddly, he didn’t even care. Barely noticed, as a matter of fact. Could not even bother to feel ashamed of the tears now streaming down his cheeks.

 “Don’t you see? The second. The perfect, final and concluding… second.” He pinched his eyes shut. “Naoto, I think I had a brother or sister before I was born.”

 

* * *

 

Of course, this was by far the first man she had seen crying. Interviewing victims or the relatives of victims generally came with tears. Even when conducting an interview with a suspect tears could come.

 She knew how to deal with this, in that safe and limited setting, too. Ignore the tears, just offer tissues, but stay professional. Be the rock of calm that your interview partner needs and allow them to sort out themselves before pressing on.

 But Kanji was not just an interview partner. He was her friend.

 She put one knee to the ground, balancing on the ball of her foot with the other, staying beside him. Her hand still rested lightly on his, and even when he dropped the stick he held, she did not move away.

 Seeing Kanji Tatsumi in this state was concerning. Even when Nanako- _No, that is one topic I will not need to touch on right now._

 Glancing at his hand, she moved her own further over the back of his, slipping her fingers into his palm and holding his hand gently. He hiccupped, sniffed and let out a soft groan, lifting his other hand to cover his eyes. The small squeeze he gave her fingers was oddly reassuring and she returned it, continuing to hold on.

 The tightness in her chest which she had experienced earlier would have been a welcome change to the pain that slowly spread now. The pure and utter distress in his every movement twisted her insides like a knife.

 All things considered, seeing how little she knew of giving or receiving comfort, she seemed to be doing swimmingly. Holding his hand with hers seemed to help him and allowing him to weep unhindered must be a relief.

 And still she could not decide on how to alleviate his anguish. The heartache was clear, but she had no means to reach for it or even approach it.

 Helplessly, she turned her eyes from him to the writing on the ground.

 Kan. Ni.

 Honestly, she had never spend a whole lot of time pondering names. Quite possibly due to how her own family focused on things that seemed to simply matter more. The way a name is spelled certainly had deeper meaning – and now that she thought on it, writing her name as 直斗 must have held a meaning she had so far never explored. But that was certainly a topic for another day. Today, the ‘second’ which caused Kanji such distress and grief was more important.

 Ni. Two. The second.

 It is true. Often a family would use this way of writing a name exclusively for their second-born child.

 And Kanji did not have a sibling. The immediate conclusion of this fact was a painful one.

 Further, if she was on point estimating her age, his mother and possibly his father, too, had been at an advanced age when Kanji was born. It was entirely plausible that a first pregnancy had failed, that her body was unable to sustain the fetus or that they lost their first child to any number of accidents or natural causes that would stress the mother’s body into relenting and aborting on its own.

 That would lead her to a sobering conclusion. The Tatsumi’s had had a child which had been lost. Certainly if it had been born and died at a later time, there would be an indication of them at the household shrine.

 Had they struggled to be with child, perhaps? Is the mentioning of the perfect, the conclusion – Kan – an indicator that after a long time of being unable to have a child, their son arriving would be the culmination of many hopes and desires? And the release from much torment at the same time, perhaps?

 The more she now thought about it, the deeper she felt her own pain as empathy brought forth her own emotional reaction to the reveal.

 Having this dream also meant it must have not been a new revelation to him.  Was it something he had carried within? For how long?  Was it a matter he had needed to express for a long enough time that his subconscious finally send a direct prompt last night?

 It was certainly an effortless task to bring the puzzle into a finished image now. However, that basic understanding did little to comprehend how to help the young man shivering beside her.

 It also did nothing to grant her own painful ache within her chest any release. But maybe there was something she could do on that end.

 Naoto shifted, slowly leaning in closer. Her unoccupied hand slowly slid up and over his back, stroking gently.  It felt both alien and familiar at the same time. An odd mixture. Though while it should be impossible, there it was.

  _How did one provide more comfort than this? How had it been done before?_ The pain she felt coupled up with frustration. _Not enough_. After a few moments of hesitation, she leaned her head against his shoulder near his chest and swallowed at the stinging in her own eyes.

 Better. Not by much, but better.

 Kanji, in turn, hiccupped softly a few times before slowly leaning his cheek against her forehead.

 She almost moved away. An uneasy feeling decrying the display of public intimacy and affection tried to rise within to shame her into more distance. But it was a quiet day, no one was near… and she felt the need for this touch herself.

 If the distant twitter in her mind was any indication, Yamato-Takeru agreed. She relaxed into the touch and closed her eyes.

 And then another thought came to her. Not moving, not breaking the comfort of their touch, she spoke up softly, quietly.

 “Kanji-kun. There is a less painful option to this rebus.”

 A shudder. A sniff. A pause. Then, “Re… rewhat?”

 The smile came instinctively. She was not mocking him, but for lack of a better turn of phrase, sometimes his inability to comprehend her was ‘cute’.

 “Pardon me. I meant to say that maybe your name has a more joyous meaning.”

 In her mind she saw his parents snuggled up, poring over the name to give their son, and in a moment of appreciation and love…

 “Maybe,” she continued, “your parents simply wished to express that you are the apex of their family. And the prefect second male Tatsumi to your mother.”

 In the silence that followed she continued to slowly stroke his back, still holding his hand, still allowing the touch of his cheek against her forehead. They were huddled together, giving and receiving comfort on even terms. She enjoyed whenever they spend time like this, just their bond expressed in closeness and their quiet thoughts occupying them.

 She should have realized the silence stretching on a good while too long.

 “Sorry, Naoto… what d’ya mean?”

 She felt him rummage in a pocket and pull out a kerchief, wiping tears from his face.

 “I mean to say, Kanji-kun, that perhaps your mother wished to express in your name that, to her, you are the ultimate and final missing piece to her family. The second male to join her heart to be loved and cherished.”

 He moved away ever so slightly and she turned her head to look up at him.  Steel-gray, red-tinged eyes gazed down at her.

 “I am not making myself clear, am I?” She looked past him for a moment, sorting her thoughts, before looking back into his eyes. “Kan-Ni. The perfect, second man to enter her life, after your father.”

 It was his turn to look away. His gaze went to the _kanji_ on the ground before them.

 “So… like… Named after my old man?”

 “It is a possibility. I am not disputing that there may be a more traumatic family history lurking behind your name, Kanji-kun. But I am offering to you that maybe you are mistaken and there might be a much happier propriety.”

 He nodded slowly. Giving her hand a different, stronger grip, he pushed himself up shakily, allowing her to rise with him. He flinched and chuckled at her worried expression. “Leg’s asleep,” he said sheepishly.

 She smiled as he hopped a few times, allowing his constricted blood vessels to resume their duty.

 He turned, blowing his nose. His back still towards her, she heard him speak up again.

 “When I texted you last night about coming here. I… I thought it was obvious I… you know. I was convinced that there is someone in my life I should have met but never did. Someone who woulda stuck with me. Perhaps helped me as I grew up, y’know?”

 His stumbling words plucked at some of her own pains. She, too, had longed for a sibling at times. When she cried herself to sleep, missing her parents. When she wished to share the passion for a new novel with someone close. When she needed a confidante for her heartaches or a crony for mischief to make.

 Not trusting her voice, she nodded and made a sound of agreement.

 “So I thought. I mean… I wanted ter, y’know… maybe offer a prayer?”

 She stepped beside him, looking up. “Then let’s. Let us speak to the ones who are not with us now. Let them know we think of them. And I propose after that-“ his breath hitched, “we seek out your mother and speak to her. She would not wish for you to feel this way. She would not wish for you to hide these thoughts and the pain. And even if your name means… means what you fear it does, would it not be better to learn their story?”

 He numbly nodded, then whirled to face her and crushed her against his chest in a tight, shuddering hug.

 Though renewed hiccups and suppressed sobs she heard him press out a few words. “Can’t... without ya… need yer help… please…”

 Her arms slipped around his waist unbidden. Holding herself close against him, she replied with a much muffled answer. “You’ll never be. Not while you allow me to be near.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This mini-fic was written as a result of a tumblr post I saw discussing the odd way in which Kanji's name is actually written. The discussion that came with it pretty much blocked all my other creative writing till I had processed the situation and wrote this.
> 
> Mind, I do not speak Japanese, so I am happy to admit I may have misunderstood. Matter of fact, I HOPE I did. >.


End file.
